Every day is a struggle right now. Every day I am fighting to stay positive. Fighting to keep from going over the edge again. Much more so than normal. Some days are much harder than others. It’s a tough situation to be in, dealing with the end of a marriage, and having already been dealing with symptoms of my major depressive disorder – well, let’s just say I don’t think life could get any peachier.
Lately I’ve been attempting to concentrate on those things that are good in my life. Trying to put the good and the pain on a scale in my head. Working very hard to make sure they at least balance out. This is the newest strategy to keep my sanity in check.
The pain and anger are very real and as time goes by, they seem to be growing. As the reality of this new oncoming life sinks in deeper the feelings grow in intensity. It’s maddening. Especially knowing that I am the only one to which this is happening. I have received communications that demonstrate that he is either blissfully unaware or maybe unconcerned about the reality of the current situation. This makes everything that much harder for me. My perspective could be completely off though. Misguided and selfish – I’ll admit to that.
So – back to one of my old depression tricks, counteracting the bad thoughts with good thoughts. Before these thoughts were only about me and my characteristics. Now I’m having to offset a whole new brand of thoughts. A whole new line of questioning. For instance – if so many people are telling me I’m such a wonderful person deserving of so much love, why couldn’t he love me like that? What did I do to him to disgust him so much that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? My mind will latch on to this line of thinking – maybe I’m not as wonderful as people think. Maybe I’m some sort of fake and only he could see the real me. These are all negative thoughts that need to be countered with positive ones. Part of me knows that none of those statements are true. Part of me knows that he is the one who has the problem because why would there be SO MANY people supporting me if I were a terrible person unworthy of love.
Still, it’s a struggle. Daily. Sometimes minute to minute. Sometimes I lose to the darkness. Those are not good times. Times when I will cry until I can’t breathe and have to take a nerve pill to calm down. Then there are times that I can manage. I can talk myself into knowing – at least for a little while – that I am a good person who is meant to be wrapped in peace. There are also times that I give in to the anger. Sometimes at him – sometimes at the situation in general. I hadn’t been mad at him, but that is kind of changing. He’s given me reason.
I hate that this seems to be the only thing on my mind lately. I wish that I could push my brain to worry about other, less life changing events or situations. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else long enough to make this leave my brain. It’s becoming exhausting. The best I can do is keep measuring my blessings against all the junk. I have my children who love me dearly – who bring a smile to my face by just being around. I have family and friends who have been a constant stream of support and encouragement through this. People I would not have expected to be so supportive. I am beyond grateful for that. For now, I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have hugs and love and strength. I have a God who calls me His most beloved.
I will make it through this. Wish it was over already, but time has to move at its own pace. When it’s all said and done though, I will be happier. I know this. It’s just hard to feel that way right now. As long as I keep working on that balance though – of good and bad thoughts – I will not find myself in the void of numbness. I will have the strength to look up and say, “Tomorrow is another day.”