I’ve been writing a lot lately creating several posts for later.  Trying to get ahead.  There began to be a theme in all of them – they are all negative.  Negative things about me, about our life as a family.  I realized that I don’t want to think that way anymore.  I’ve let myself fall into the harmful mind play that pulls me down into that black hole.  That’s not the way I want to live.

When you have Major Depressive Disorder, happiness doesn’t just happen.  It’s something that you must work for every day.  People don’t seem to understand that part of this disorder.  That’s why it’s easy for people who don’t have it to say things like, “just snap out of it.”  Those of us who live with that black hole wish it was that simple.  I’ve come to realize that there are times that I don’t even recognize when I’m being negative and that can be dangerous.

I feel like my meds are working because I have no problem getting up and doing what needs to be done, but there is still that lack of joy that I so desperately want.  The peace of just sitting in silence without having my brain tell me all the bad things that are happening or have happened in my life.   Sure, everyday living is hard, but I think that can be true for most everybody.  Not just those of us who have so much going against us.  We just have to work a little harder to make it good.

My best friend and I were chatting recently, and I had told her that I’ve lost my sense of humor.  She told me that if I still had my sarcasm, she wasn’t going to worry about me, but I think I may have lost that too.  What has happened to me over the past few months – over the past year?  I’ve isolated myself from the outside world, I’ve cut myself off so completely that I now feel awkward engaging in any kind of conversation with people other than the kids.  I hate it!  What’s happened to me?

Instead of concentrating on that though, I feel I need to be concentrating on being more positive.  Trying to reconnect with my inner peace.  I need to start looking for the best in everything around me.  So what if I need to keep putting Ry’s pants on him – I can laugh at his smirk as I call him out on taking them off.  I can relish the laughter of Paix and Aidan as they pick on each other like siblings do.  I can compliment the cashier at Food Lion and enjoy her smile.  It’s the hundreds of little things each day that can make a big difference if you take the time to look for them.

I know this – I know all this and yet I still feel lost.  Still feel lonely.  Still feel overwhelmed.   I’m trying.  I’m fighting.  I will not let depression beat me.  I will not sink so low again that everything feels completely empty and worthless.  I refuse to be that person who can’t see the sunlight for the shadows.  Think it may be time to pull up my upbeat play list and do some dancing in the living room.