The depression has been bad lately.  Real bad.  All the old thoughts have been coming back with a vengeance.  I’m not good enough.  No one cares about me.  I’m just a waste of space.  Ry is really the only thing that has kept me going recently.  Someone needs to take care of him and make sure he gets where he needs to be.

It’s awful when it’s like this.  The hours stretch for months and the days turn to years.  I don’t remember much of anything – like what happened yesterday, but I can recall every bad thing I’ve ever done or that was done to me.  My brain goes over and over the worst things that could happen in the future.  I’m paralyzed.

Had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and was completely honest with him about all my symptoms.  I wasn’t really so open during my last visit, because I thought I was being too sensitive, and it wasn’t the depression.  There are other meds available but the military base where I get my meds don’t carry them so he had to get a little creative.  He took me off the Abilify and put me on Latuda.  I’ll keep taking the Wellbutrin.  Hopefully the mix will work.

If it doesn’t, the doc is suggesting that I may need to do TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) therapy.  It’s basically a big chair that you sit in while they pulse your brain with magnetic stimulation.  The therapy is 20 minutes per day, 5 days a week for 4-6 weeks.  Not my idea of fun.  It’s so disheartening to think that it may come to that.  Why can’t medication work like it does with most people.  Go big or go home I guess – just like always.